Enabling: How to Recognize the Signs

But supporting behaviors can empower a loved one to recover. Giving the other person money allows them to continue engaging in destructive behavior. By not financially supporting the addiction, the other person will have to find ways to become more self-reliant. Even though you keep finding ways to protect your loved one from the consequences of their alcohol or substance use, your resentment for having to do things may continue to build. This can lead to feelings of anger and irritability, which can interfere with your health and relationships.

Helping vs enabling

Temporary support can help them make it through a difficult time and empower them to seek help. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either. But even if all you want is to support your loved one, enabling may not contribute to the situation the way you might think it does.

Set your boundaries and uphold them

You might decide it’s better just to ignore the behavior or hide your money. You might call your partner’s work to say they’re sick when they’re hungover or blackout drunk. Or you may call your child’s school with an excuse when they haven’t completed a term project or studied for an important exam. It’s not always easy to distinguish between empowering someone and enabling them.

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By Buddy TBuddy T is a writer and founding member of the Online Al-Anon Outreach Committee with decades of experience writing about alcoholism. Because he is a member of a support group that stresses the importance of anonymity at the public level, he does not use his photograph or his real name on this website. Only when they are forced to face the consequences of their own actions will it finally begin to sink in how serious the problem has become. The problem is that while avoidance might be a short-term, temporary solution, it can make the problem worse in the long run. Over time you become angrier and more frustrated with her and with yourself for not being able to say no. This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids.

This help is ultimately not helpful, as it usually doesn’t make a problem entirely go away. It often makes it worse since an enabled person has less motivation to make changes if they keep getting help that reduces their need to make change. According to the American Psychological Association, an enabler is someone who permits, encourages, or contributes to someone else’s maladaptive behaviors.

Avoid using substances around them

It might be covering for a loved one’s absence at work due to substance use, lending money that’s used to support their addiction, or even denying that there’s a problem at all. While these actions might seem supportive, they allow the person struggling with addiction to continue their destructive patterns without facing the natural consequences of their actions. While these actions are usually born from a place of love and concern, they inadvertently contribute to the cycle of addiction.

You might feel hurt and angry about spending so much time trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to appreciate you. You may feel obligated to continue helping even when you don’t want to. If you’re concerned you might be enabling someone’s behavior, read on to learn more about enabling, including signs, how to stop, and how to provide support to your loved one. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous. In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains.

This might involve doing household tasks such as cleaning, laundry, or child care. Enabling can also involve excusing or covering up their behavior so that they don’t have to face the consequences. For example, you might what foods have alcohol in them call their employer and say that they are sick when they are really too hung over to go to work. Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Say your sister continues to leave her kids with you when she goes out. You agree to babysit because you want the kids to be safe, but your babysitting enables her to keep going out. Your partner has slowly started drinking more and more as stresses and responsibilities at their job have increased. You remember when they drank very little, so you tell yourself they don’t have a problem. Even though it’s starting to affect your emotional well-being, you even tell yourself it’s not abuse because they’re not really themselves when they’ve been drinking. By pretending what they do doesn’t affect you, you give the message they aren’t doing anything problematic.

1. We may think we’re helping someone by enabling them, but we need to understand that we’re only making the problem worse.
2. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous.
3. Even if your loved one won’t accept help, you might also consider going to therapy yourself.
4. The term “enabler” generally describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior.
5. They may do things for that person that the person should do for themself.

When you engage in enabling behaviors, you may find that the bulk of your time and energy is focused on the other person. This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside. Implementing these steps requires patience and perseverance. Remember, shifting away from enabling towards supportive behaviors is a process addiction recovery activities that benefits both you and your loved one on the journey toward recovery.

Offering a parent living with diabetes a piece of cake they’re not supposed to eat. Giving a family member living with a substance use disorder the money what happens when you drink alcohol on accutane to buy drugs. Covering up for a colleague’s consistently poor performance.

These actions can keep a person from recognizing and seeking care for the condition. Recognizing and adjusting your enabling behaviors can be a pivotal part of your loved one’s recovery process. It shifts the balance from unintentional harm to intentional support, paving the way for genuine healing and sobriety. In addition to ending enabling behaviors, it is also important to encourage your loved one to get treatment.